I researched the Hawk Tuah Girl so you didn’t have to.

I don’t know if my algorithm is broken, or the internet is broken, or I am fundamentally broken, but for some reason I’ve been seen a lot of stories about the Hawk Tuah girl being found. Frankly, I didn’t know she’d been lost. Or what a Hawk Tuah was. Even though I’m terminally online, for once I was mercifully ignorant of the entire whole story.

THIS time, I decided, it was going to stay that way. For once I wasn’t going to do that thing where I cave to curiosity and then get immediately angry at its triviality.

After all I am an ADULT. With AGENCY. And SELF CONTROL.

Which meant it took all of half a day before I folded, read some articles, got predictably angry, and decided to write about it.

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Thankfully, this story has an easy summary. Because I’m feeling generous, I’ll share it nice and early (and without the coy euphemisms I had to suffer through). The Hawk Tuah girl is Nashville local Hailey Welch. She became internet famous after getting vox popped by a YouTuber with the question: “What’s one move in bed that makes a man go crazy every time?”

Welch’s secret, she said, was spitting on their dick. She didn’t say it like that, though. She said: “You gotta give him that Hawk Tuah and spit on that thang. You get me?”.

Hawk Tuah.

And just like that, a new onomatopoeia was brought into existence. Welcome to the universe, word! Do we tell it — all dewy and new, blinking into the sunlight for the first time — that it came about because some chick gobs onto boners?

Welch talking to YouTuber DeArius Marlow

After reading about Welch I found myself wondering, as I often do, why this clip went viral. But unlike the popularity of Stanley Cups or the ubiquitousness of the millennial sock debate, I believe this story has a simpler answer.

First — and I believe most importantly — Hailey Welch is a hot woman who talked about spitting on a dick. And you know what the internet loves? Hot woman and sex stuff. Anything that’s vaguely hot-women and sex-aligned is enough, really. Doing it? Great. Talking about it? Great. Alluding to it? Great. Thinking about it? Great.

The other crucial element was that people couldn’t immediately find Welch’s social media. In a world where people can uncover a person’s home address, phone number and birth certificate 15 minutes after they post a blurry photo coffee online, this seemed impossible. Infuriating, even. There is a hot woman who spits on penises out there, people. The world needs to know her.

It looked, for a moment, like the Hawk Tuah girl decided this wasn’t going to be the moment that defined her life. She was going to let her mildly amusing comment slip in and out of the ether and carry on doing whatever the hell she normally did. She would be forever a mystery and an enigma.

But it’s 2024 and being famous for spitting on dicks is winning lottery ticket you’d be a fool to not cash in. So Hailey Welch reactivated her social media accounts, banished the imposters who had filled the void of her absence, and took her rightful place on the dick-spit throne.

Perhaps the most interesting part of this bizarre tale is the economics of viral fame. Before that throw away line on a YouTube channel, Welch worked in a factory making springs. She’s since been able to leave that job in order to pursue the most noble of professions — social media star.

On a podcast called Plan Bri, Welch spoke candidly about the deals she struck since revealing her identity. It turns out that when there’s a flash-in-the-pan moment of fame, an entire ecosystem waiting to swoop in and take a bite. The first person to jump on board of this dick-spit gravy-train was clothing brand Flathead Threads. In a recent interview, the owner (also a Tennessee local) told Rolling Stone that his Hawk Tuah branded hats have made well over $65,000 — a sum he will split with Welch.

With that kind of cash floating around, it’s no surprise that knockoffs have popped up online. But their days are likely numbered. According to TMZ (who have been slavishly reporting on this story) Welch has recently put in a trademark application for the phrase Hawk Tuah. The application was posted under her company which is called 16 Minutes (the name likely being a play on Welch trying to extend her 15-minutes of fame).

Of course there would be thousands of trademark applications a day in America — this is not a story in and of itself. But the other element propelling Welch’s fame is the implied indignation of what she’s famous for. The subtext of these articles say: ‘Can you believe she’s got a trademark? A company? An agent?’. She is being condemned for the attention that she didn’t ask for by the very media who seem incapable of leaving the story alone.

Of course, being famous for a crude throw-away line on a YouTube video is ridiculous — I’m not saying otherwise. To her credit, neither is Welch. But the money and opportunity is too big, too alluring to ignore.

Welch is currently holding the very early smouldering embers of celebrity. In order for the flame to ignite properly, she must simultaneously be a good sport, be humble and also be present (but not too present) in the media. If she manages this phase well enough then with a YouTube channel, successful podcast, or large enough social media following, she could transition into a more legitimate kind of fame. It’s a Herculaneum feat if she can manage it.

And honestly? In her position I would probably attempt to do the same thing. Can you be entirely certain that you wouldn’t?

Whether Welch can transcend being the ‘Hawk Tuah’ girl is impossible to predict. But she’s certainly going to give it a go.

“There’s more to come,” she said. “Don’t worry. There is more to come.”

I don’t know if my algorithm is broken, or the internet is broken, or I am fundamentally broken, but for some reason I’ve been seen a lot of stories about the Hawk Tuah girl being found. Frankly, I didn’t know she’d been lost. Or what a Hawk Tuah was. Even though I’m terminally online, for once I was mercifully ignorant of the entire whole story.

THIS time, I decided, it was going to stay that way. For once I wasn’t going to do that thing where I cave to curiosity and then get immediately angry at its triviality.

After all I am an ADULT. With AGENCY. And SELF CONTROL.

Which meant it took all of half a day before I folded, read some articles, got predictably angry, and decided to write about it.

Thankfully, this story has an easy summary. Because I’m feeling generous, I’ll share it nice and early (and without the coy euphemisms I had to suffer through). The Hawk Tuah girl is Nashville local Hailey Welch. She became internet famous after getting vox popped by a YouTuber with the question: “What’s one move in bed that makes a man go crazy every time?”

Welch’s secret, she said, was spitting on their dick. She didn’t say it like that, though. She said: “You gotta give him that Hawk Tuah and spit on that thang. You get me?”.

Hawk Tuah.

And just like that, a new onomatopoeia was brought into existence. Welcome to the universe, word! Do we tell it — all dewy and new, blinking into the sunlight for the first time — that it came about because some chick gobs onto boners?

Welch talking to YouTuber DeArius Marlow

After reading about Welch I found myself wondering, as I often do, why this clip went viral. But unlike the popularity of Stanley Cups or the ubiquitousness of the millennial sock debate, I believe this story has a simpler answer.

First — and I believe most importantly — Hailey Welch is a hot woman who talked about spitting on a dick. And you know what the internet loves? Hot woman and sex stuff. Anything that’s vaguely hot-women and sex-aligned is enough, really. Doing it? Great. Talking about it? Great. Alluding to it? Great. Thinking about it? Great.

The other crucial element was that people couldn’t immediately find Welch’s social media. In a world where people can uncover a person’s home address, phone number and birth certificate 15 minutes after they post a blurry photo coffee online, this seemed impossible. Infuriating, even. There is a hot woman who spits on penises out there, people. The world needs to know her.

It looked, for a moment, like the Hawk Tuah girl decided this wasn’t going to be the moment that defined her life. She was going to let her mildly amusing comment slip in and out of the ether and carry on doing whatever the hell she normally did. She would be forever a mystery and an enigma.

But it’s 2024 and being famous for spitting on dicks is winning lottery ticket you’d be a fool to not cash in. So Hailey Welch reactivated her social media accounts, banished the imposters who had filled the void of her absence, and took her rightful place on the dick-spit throne.

Perhaps the most interesting part of this bizarre tale is the economics of viral fame. Before that throw away line on a YouTube channel, Welch worked in a factory making springs. She’s since been able to leave that job in order to pursue the most noble of professions — social media star.

On a podcast called Plan Bri, Welch spoke candidly about the deals she struck since revealing her identity. It turns out that when there’s a flash-in-the-pan moment of fame, an entire ecosystem waiting to swoop in and take a bite. The first person to jump on board of this dick-spit gravy-train was clothing brand Flathead Threads. In a recent interview, the owner (also a Tennessee local) told Rolling Stone that his Hawk Tuah branded hats have made well over $65,000 — a sum he will split with Welch.

With that kind of cash floating around, it’s no surprise that knockoffs have popped up online. But their days are likely numbered. According to TMZ (who have been slavishly reporting on this story) Welch has recently put in a trademark application for the phrase Hawk Tuah. The application was posted under her company which is called 16 Minutes (the name likely being a play on Welch trying to extend her 15-minutes of fame).

Of course there would be thousands of trademark applications a day in America — this is not a story in and of itself. But the other element propelling Welch’s fame is the implied indignation of what she’s famous for. The subtext of these articles say: ‘Can you believe she’s got a trademark? A company? An agent?’. She is being condemned for the attention that she didn’t ask for by the very media who seem incapable of leaving the story alone.

Of course, being famous for a crude throw-away line on a YouTube video is ridiculous — I’m not saying otherwise. To her credit, neither is Welch. But the money and opportunity is too big, too alluring to ignore.

Welch is currently holding the very early smouldering embers of celebrity. In order for the flame to ignite properly, she must simultaneously be a good sport, be humble and also be present (but not too present) in the media. If she manages this phase well enough then with a YouTube channel, successful podcast, or large enough social media following, she could transition into a more legitimate kind of fame. It’s a Herculaneum feat if she can manage it.

And honestly? In her position I would probably attempt to do the same thing. Can you be entirely certain that you wouldn’t?

Whether Welch can transcend being the ‘Hawk Tuah’ girl is impossible to predict. But she’s certainly going to give it a go.

“There’s more to come,” she said. “Don’t worry. There is more to come.”